


Swipe Left

by Greyias



Category: Star Wars Legends: The Old Republic (Video Game)
Genre: Blind Date, Crack, Embedded Images, Gen, HoloNet Dating, Image Heavy, Originally Posted on Tumblr, SIS Shenanigans
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-25
Updated: 2019-05-25
Packaged: 2020-03-14 16:38:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,668
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18951925
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Greyias/pseuds/Greyias
Summary: Theron REALLY needed to stop partnering with Jonas on missions.





	Swipe Left

**Author's Note:**

  * For [rinskiroo](https://archiveofourown.org/users/rinskiroo/gifts).



> Written for my lovely friend Rinskiroo, who needed a fic written incorporating a very, erm, special dating profile I shared over on Discord. Pieces of said profile were adapted to fit the universe. Also, a very special thanks goes to Aearyn and my other friends on Discord for helping me come up with some amazing HoloNet dating apps.

If there was one thing Theron needed to learn, it was to find a way to prevent Jonas from pulling him into operations at the last minute. It always seemed to end up with him in the most awkward situations. The details of the missions always seemed sketchy, and tonight that had somehow landed him in a candlelit restaurant with an, admittedly attractive, Hrakian making googly eyes at him from across the table on a blind date.

He kept eyeing the man, trying to figure out exactly what nefarious plot the seemingly innocuous person had gotten wrapped up into. They certainly didn’t look like someone who ran with the Crimson Horde, one of the more minor gangs that was making a power play. Looks could be deceiving though — for now he’d have to keep playing his part.

“So, Theron,” the Hrakian said, golden eyes raking over him and flashing in appreciation, “I have to say, your profile pictures don’t do you justice.”

“My profile—?”

“ _Just go with it_ ,” Jonas’s voice sounded over the audio feed in his implants, cutting Theron off before the confusion could be heard in his voice.  _“You don’t want to arouse any suspicion_.”

Normally, Theron would find a chance to get on his sub-vocal mic and throw a snarky reply back at the man on the other end of the surveillance feed, but the table was too small, and the room too quiet, for him to disguise the noise. He briefly wished for just enough relative privacy so he could make a rude gesture at the holo-cam watching from the far end of the room, or at least glare, but that would definitely count as suspicious. So with little recourse, Theron fixed a wide smile in place and kept his cover.

“Well, Therzee—”

“It’s pronounced Thazia.”

“Sorry,” Theron said quickly, hoping that the flush didn’t show in his cheeks.

This was not exactly showing off his suave nature—but then again, he really wasn’t big on grand seductions. He preferred ops with a lot more explosions and adrenaline. But this was a Jonas Balkar op, so of course it had to be  _complicated_. And he’d really needed more than thirty seconds to try and glean important details like his target’s  _name_  from a note hastily scribbled on flimsi.

“No, it’s okay, it’s a common mistake.” Thazia reached across the table, gently resting his hand on Theron’s. “But I’d be happy to help you with your  _pronunciation_  later.”

He was going to  _kill_  Jonas when this was all said and done—but until he had free clearance to murder his partner, Theron would have to make do funneling his annoyance into an even wider grin. “Later? But we haven’t even ordered appetizers yet.”

Thazia returned the smile, almost coyly. “You surprise me.”

“Yeah?” Theron smirked, and took a sip from the glass of whiskey he’d ordered.

“I mean, that’s what I get for making assumptions,” Thazia said. “Everyone moves at their own pace, even aspiring holoporn stars.”

The whiskey spewed across the table as Theron choked. He didn’t even bother trying to maintain his cool, suave image as he tried to process that statement. “ _What_?”

That got a frown. “Your… you told me the nerdiest you’ve ever been was the one time when you wore glasses for a geeky school library themed adult film.”

“I told you that?” he asked hoarsely.

“ _You_  contacted  _me_ ,” Thazia said. “That was your icebreaker message.”

“Hard to imagine anyone would use that as an opening line for a romantic match,” Theron ground out, although the statement was clearly meant for the person he could now hear laughing on the other end of the surveillance feed.

“I just assumed you were trying to impress me with your sexual prowess,” Thazia shrugged. “I’ll be honest I almost swiped left when I got that message, but I just…  _really_  needed to know about the goat.”

“The  _goat_?” Theron meant to snarl. It sounded more like a squeak to his ears though.

“And you said you would only explain it in person. That the whole story was too risqué for the StarDate app.”

“Could you excuse me for a moment,” Theron’s voice was almost dangerously calm as he pulled a datapad from his pocket, “I need to check on something.”

Without any preamble, he quickly connected to the HoloNet and pulled up StarDate, the cheesiest and most notorious dating site in the galaxy. His fingers flew across the keypad, eyes furiously scanning the screen, until he found what he was looking for.

“Balkar,” he growled, completely dropping the ruse, “did you make a fake dating profile for me?”

  


 “ _Hey, it’s only fake if the information isn’t real_ ,” Jonas replied back cooly.

“I am not a porn star! Aspiring or otherwise!” 

“ _Really? Could have fooled me with the amount of times you wind up naked on missions._ ”

“There were extenuating circumstances! You know what, I’m not going over this again--also that’s not my favorite book!”

“ _I took a shot in the dark. Sometimes you swing and you miss._ ”

“And what the hell is ‘Jedi Camp’?”

“ _All of your training as a kid._ ” Jonas said a little too innocently. “ _Is that not what it’s called?_ ”

“I’m going to kill you!”

“Who are you talking to?” asked the very confused Hrakian.

Theron ignored him. He had much more important questions to get answers to, such as, “Why is there a picture of me  _spitting out_  a drink?”

 “ _It shows character_!” Jonas insisted.

“No it doesn’t—it shows saliva!”

“Well, I just wanted to give your potential suitors a preview of what they were getting in for!”

“I—I do not drool!”

“ _Really? Because I thought I heard_ —”

“You’ve heard  _nothing_!” Theron insisted and then shot a look back at his date who was very slowly backing his chair away from the table. “Where are you going?”

“Um,” Thazia looked around nervously, “not to holo a friend to come rescue me from my mad date?”

Stars, the poor man look absolutely terrified, and not in the cornered animal way most of the perps he’d busted did. No, he just looked like a nice, normal person whose date had started ranting out loud to an invisible person.

“Balkar,” Theron growled, “did you lie about a mission to set me up on a blind date? Like an actual date with a real person and making me think they’re a dangerous gangster?”

“ _Of course not, do you think I’m a monster_?” Jonas said. “ _I just thought you two might hit it off. Him with his insatiable curiosity about goats, you with your—_ ”

“We are not talking about the goat right now!”

“ _Also your target is the guy two tables to the left—the Crimson Horde’s **actual** accountant. Oh, and I think he’s figured out you’re with the SIS since you started screaming at invisible people. You should probably do something before he gets away._”

Damn it.

He was going to have a long conversation with his partner after all of this over—probably with his fists—but for now… for now he had a job to do. With a quick apology to poor Thazia, Theron leapt over the table and gave chase to the gangster.

* * *

 

“I’m going to  _kill_  you.”

“But, Theron,” Jonas pretended to sound wounded, “you’re a shoe-in for a promotion after single-handedly bringing in the key to infiltrating and dismantling Crimson Horde.”

“I don’t  _want_  a promotion,” Theron paused long enough to glare at his partner. “What I  _want_  is to get my face off of the HoloNet so I can just do my job in peace. A job that, may I remind you, requires anonymity.”

“You act like managing a digital footprint is a difficult thing in this modern galaxy.”

“You’re changing the subject,” he muttered petulantly.

“Which is?”

“Why you didn’t just sign yourself up—isn’t seducing people on the taxpayer’s dime your thing? You could have gone to that restaurant just as easily as me.”

“Ferr knows my face, so I couldn’t exactly sidle up to him. Besides, you work too much.”

“Well  _someone_  has to!” 

“You need to get out more. Go on a date. Have a good time.”

“That wasn’t a date. I was  _working_!”

“And who’s fault is that?”

“Yours!” He snapped. “I don’t have time to clean up your messes.”

“Why, do you have  _plans_?”

Theron felt the barest rush of heat to his cheeks, but it was just visible enough for the other man to catch.

“You  _do_! Wait—don’t tell me it’s an actual date. With a real person.”

“It might be. What of it?”

Jonas sniffled and pretended to wipe away a tear. “I’m so proud. My little boy is growing up.”

“I am  _not_  your little—can you help me with this? If I’m late, I’m pretty sure that’s going to be the last straw for Thazia.”

“Is that your little goat-infatuated admirer from earlier?” 

“Yes. I felt like  _someone_  owed him an apology after that whole mess of a dinner.”

“That’s adorable, you asked him out for real. I didn’t think you had it in you.”

Theron snarled in frustration as he continued to scroll through the literally hundreds of potential matches on StarDate as he failed to navigate the app’s poor user interface, accidentally swiping left on a profile he wasn’t even trying to look at.

“What the hell Balkar? How do I deactivate this thing?”

“You’re the slicer,” Jonas shrugged. “I’m sure you’ll figure it out.”

* * *

  


>   _Newscaster: ...In stranger news, there are reports that the popular dating service, StarDate, has gone offline after all of its servers suffered a catastrophic failure over the weekend. Both competitors, LoveForce and HoloConnection, were contacted but had no comment at this time._

> _Newscaster: Back to our continuing coverage, the Republic Military again deny rumors about a strike on Dromund Kaas, even as more reports emerge regarding the  disappearance of the Sith Emperor…_

* * *

 

“Shan, has anyone ever explained to you the definition of ‘overkill’?” 

“Bite me, Balkar.”


End file.
